You are officially ON NOTICE!

Having read the Burger King post of my comrade, I've decided to do one of my own. Not so much on the perfume, but on the sheer blatant imperialism that Burger King has decided to espouse. And beyond that, not even imperialism, but xenophobia. Fear of foreigners. Mockery of foreigners. Ladies and Gents, let me present to you The Whopper Virgin commercial.

What is the Whopper Virgin commercial? It's presented, first of all, as a documentary - one of perhaps anthropological origin - about cultures outside of the United States who seem particularly "uncivilized" and ohmyGOD they have never heard of a BURGER BEFORE! So the kind, non-bottom-line-motivated CEOs of Burger King decide to send a camera crew there, Whoppers, laden with trans fats and oils and hydrogenated oils and I'm sure processed lard, over there to feed them to the people who raise yaks and llamas and eat more roughage than they do meat. Is there something wrong with this? Burger King thinks so.

This is my problem. There is nothing wrong with a society that doesn't eat as much red meat as the United States. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem for red meat. Neither do I hate it. I rather hate the people, the scuppies of our generation [socially conscious yuppies], who pretend that by not eating meat or dairy or organic food, we are somehow killing ourselves and look at how much better than me they are. But the whole fact of a society that doesn't eat burgers? I'm fine with it. Burger King respectfully disagrees.

Look at all the unexploited potential, they say. Look at all the people we could make addicted to our food, they clamor. Think of all the CEOs crying in their poor cash-filled jacuzzis. I'm sorry, was that an oxymoron? There is just something so particularly distressing about this that it's unavoidable. The United States, to be frank, is one where the diet consists primarily of a meat dish with vegetable side dishes. As multiple gourmands have informed on Travel Channel specials, America is one of the few countries (if the only one) where people don't share a collective meat dish and munch on veggies.

Meat is a commodity. Burgers? Are so incredibly not. People have survived long enough on vegetables. And beyond that, there have been studies that show that fast food is addictive. And what we don't need is to make obesity the norm. We don't need to get the other 5 billion people in the world addicted to our bad foods in order to rake in the cash. There should be a new apocalypse theory called ShoeString: How McDonald's Will End the World and Eliminate the Human Species. Okay, okay, so maybe that's a little extreme, but still, has my point been pounded enough into your head yet?

The commercial itself leaves a lot to be desired in terms of imperialism too. "These people are Whopper Virgins. They've never had a burger, the most American of American foods. America! ...America!" What do they think, that if they shout patriotism long enough at us, we'll buy it and decide to annex Nepal or Yugoslavia?

Burger King: Home of The Whopper Pretentiousness.